I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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