ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I CAN MOONWALK!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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