Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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