Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Someone shattered a urinal.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
