someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
