Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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