I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize