you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
