Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
