Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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