If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
