she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
