Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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