I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
