I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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