The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
