I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
