I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
im holly from the hills drunk
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
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