and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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