i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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