You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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