i may or may not be watching the land before time
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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