Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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