for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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