I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
