I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
