i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
