y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Randomize
