I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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