it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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