o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize