imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
