I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
