im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
