Cold hands, warm shart.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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