bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Randomize
