I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
