i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
