What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
