Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
