You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
