he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
