How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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