woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
