I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
