The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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