he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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