im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
