sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
