I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
