1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
