We named our party play list daddy issues
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My pussy is not your playground.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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