i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
