Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
