"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
