from now on my penis is your penis
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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