Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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